Why Midlife Therapy?

Why Midlife Therapy? 

Each stage of life has its joys and challenges.  As a therapist who specialises in Midlife Therapy, I know that the ages from the mid-thirties to the mid-fifties can contain a lot of stressors and surprises.  It can be useful to name what we’re up against in this period of our lives - I’ve put together this list of common pressures and a few suggestions on how to tackle them.

1.           Pressure from work.

Work is important, often time consuming, and frequently stressful and demanding.  It’s typically a necessary source of income, but importantly, for many, it’s a source of identity, purpose, and meaning in our lives. You’ve spent 10, 15, 20 or more years in your career - you’ve grafted and had some luck; you’re finally in or very near to the position in your organisation where you belong - you’re leading, you’re managing, you’re problem-solving, and you’re looking longer-term, both for your organisation and for yourself.  Maybe it’s a question of stay or move on.  Maybe there’s discontent, boredom, burnout brewing - what once seemed exciting now feels dull; where once you loved the politics and jockeying, you now crave straightforwardness and parity.  Maybe you love your job but aren’t sure it’s for you in a few years’ time. 

Whatever the situation, in midlife, work begs us to come up for air.  What I mean by that is - both at work and, separately for yourself, you need wide open, unscheduled time to bring your head up out of the water, take a breath and look around.  At work - this is the creative time you need to strategise, read and digest industry info, and to look at problems from another angle.  For yourself, this can look like a few days of comfortable unscheduledness - where you grab books from your bookshelf, catch up with former colleagues, and reflect on where you are with work, how you’re feeling, what you used to wish for, and how that’s maybe changed.

2.           Pressure from family.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “sandwich generation” - well, it’s your turn now!  According to Wikipedia, the sandwich generation is “...a group of middle-aged adults who care for both their aging parents and their own children.” You are part of the squeezed middle…when all you really want to be is a nice slice of sourdough .

In my client base, the sandwich is different from previous generations in two key ways.  Firstly, people have put off having children for longer, meaning that many are raising young children, who can be more time intensive and physically draining than older children.  This may also mean that grandparents are older too, and perhaps less able to care for grandchildren.  Secondly, there is a lot of mobility.  Many of my clients are expats - so they’re not in the same country as the rest of their family.  Not only does this mean a lack of social support with bringing up a family, but, as parents age, it creates additional stresses and uncertainties about how and when to help your own parents. 

When it comes to family, I have two tweaks I recommend to clients and one action I swear by.  Tweak one, which you’ve heard before as a parent is - let it go.  You won’t be perfect, and sometimes you’ll far quite far short of the bar you’ve set yourself. The concept of the “good enough” parent tells us that as long as your child is well cared for, you’re usually reliable, and you deal with ruptures and issues openly…probably it’s going to be ok.  Related to this is tweak two - get help, and use it!  For example, if you have access to childcare on an adhoc basis, remember that you can use it to plan things like afternoons off where you plough through household admin and do something adult. Your needs still count, and sometimes getting those met means getting help.  And the action I recommend - talk to your parents about what they want later in life, how they want critical accident/illness handled, and where their key documents are. Just have the conversation - as awkward as it might be, it is much better than guessing and having to make snap decisions in future in a period of potential extreme stress. 

3.           Health concerns.

The era of “getting away with it” is over, my friends.  The days of waking up with no hangover after a heavy night, of tossing off a Saturday morning run without having done anything for 3 weeks, of flying back and forth across the ocean for meetings without breaks…you’re starting to notice it’s not *quite* as easy as it once was.  Tweaked muscles, messed up sleep cycles leading to fatigue-induced mistakes, and mysterious physical symptoms may be cropping up. You’re not the bouncy ball you once were, and it’s not just irritating - it’s concerning. 

For female-bodied clients, I spend a lot of time working with issues around perimenopause and menopause - what is it, how does it manifest, and what meaning does it hold for the client?  This is deep work - it’s a major life transition that, if not tackled when it’s happening, can lead to real loss of identity and direction later on.  More broadly, the important thing in midlife is to notice - what’s your baseline like?  How are you feeling - mentally and physically? Is anything a little bit odd or painful?  Go get it checked out by a professional, however busy you are. 

4.           Relationship evolutions.

When I talk about relationships, I’m including partners, lovers, and friends.  I notice that amongst my clients, there’s no “normal” in terms of what this constellation looks like.  For some, challenges are arising with a long-term partner, where both have grown alongside one another for a few decades, and maybe there’s been a loss of interest and intimacy.   For others, we are looking at friendships and how these are evolving, because what you want and can provide to friends really changes alongside other life transitions.  Others are experiencing dating in midlife, and all that brings, while others are exploring other sides of their sexualities - gender, sex and relationship identities typically do evolve through our lives and midlife is a time of re-reckoning.  You have changed, and so will your relationships.  Midlife tends to bring change in how we relate - it can be really helpful to examine your relationships and what you want in them with a therapist. 

5.           $%*£! What’s it all about anyway?

If you’ve found yourself pondering the meaning of life, know that it’s normal. There are moments when you really clock that you’re more or less, plus or minus, probably halfway through.  And it’s often the case that people do what they are “supposed to” for the first half of life - what their parents expected as a career, and what society expected in terms of other milestones (relationships, housing, possessions). So when you realise that - heck!!! - You’re halfway through - you can start to question whose script you were following, and what it’s all for. 

As a therapist and coach, I say “Great!” It’s good to wake up, when there’s time left.  It’s good to explore a little deeper than you have been.  It can be pretty uncomfortable though - feelings of rage and grief come up for many people.  This can be a great time to start or restart journalling.  Writing activates a different way of thinking vs just bouncing around in your head.  It’s useful to set aside a specific time every day for this, but if that’s not doable, just do it whenever you can.  Write and reflect, and listen to yourself.

Transitions mean growth.

Midlife is a key life transition.  Transitions can have different characteristics at different times - sometimes fiery, sometimes calm, sometimes sweet, sometimes gut-wrenching.  What marks them out is this - you are not the same person at the end as you were at the beginning.  And for this transition, chances are, you will come more into yourself - your essence and how you want to express that in the world.  And around that refreshed you, your relationships, circumstances, vocation and outlook will really shift.

And there are therapists and coaches available to help, like me.  Midlife therapy is an emerging field that combines various modalities and works at depth.  It’s deep work, which needs time and space to grow.  But it’s worth it - this is the rest of your life we’re talking about!  Get in touch for a consultation and I’ll talk you through what Midlife Therapy and Coaching can look like, and get ready to embark on your next adventure!